Laura’s post on staring men has made me think a lot about street harassment and uninvited attention/invitation from men on the street.
I’ve been verbally harassed many times on the street. The only time where I came close to being physically assaulted was in the Paris metro, and that was just a few aggressive pokes on the shoulder. I know how lucky I am to have only brushed against the idea of being physically assaulted, rather than experiencing physical assault. I guess I shouldn’t have such high expectations that some day, women will feel okay just being by themselves, or that walking home at night alone won’t feel like a fatal mistake.
Here are the arrays of things that happened to me in this fine city of Montreal:
- While walking home at night with my partner, a man on a bike called me an “Asian whore” as he rode by.
- One time, when I was walking home alone, a man followed me home for about 8 blocks. Luckily, a friend that was staying at my apartment at the time was waiting outside for me and I got inside without the dude following me any longer. When I got inside, he made the “eating out” gesture at me. When I told the security guard of my building to not let the man in that night, he just said to me: “he just likes you!” I felt faint.
Recalling these incidents makes me feel angry. Yet, when those things were happening, all I could sense was pure fear, which made me only want to flee the scene and not confront it. When I was aware of that man following me home, I ran a few scenarios in my head where he would force me to come inside the apartment with me. Then all of my desire to yell at him evaporated, because God forbid I anger him any more. What if he would want to punish me for my behaviour? And because I have been socialized and educated to believe my own helplessness, this is what happened in my head:
(Except, you know, it only became funny in hindsight.)
The crippling fear of men who are stronger and bigger than me makes me hate myself, because I feel like a silent accomplice who allows these terrible things to happen to me by fulfilling the helpless woman stereotype. Or even worse, a meek Asian woman stereotype. (Racialicious has an excellent piece about street harassment and race)
I wish the first response that comes to mind when someone approaches me in an aggressive manner is not to run, but to confront it and make that person feel bad for what (s)he is doing. I’m not sure when or if I’ll reach the stage where I will be confident enough to confront the situation. But I’m working on it. The other day, when a man told me my dress was pretty and asked whether I was from “China or Hong Kong” I said “no thanks” while looking straight into his eyes. It’s a small step.
cpcolinchau
/ August 7, 2012What’s the “eating out” gesture?
RK
/ August 7, 2012You can look it up on Urban Dictionary, also known as “vagface”.
cpcolinchau
/ August 7, 2012oh….
i see.
rubybastille
/ August 7, 2012Thanks for linking. I’m glad you were able to speak up in a bad situation – that’s definitely a step in the right direction. “No thanks” seems like a good fallback response, too, which is good because it seems like many women could benefit from the security of just having something planned to say.
Your old security guard is a creeper, too. How awful that you can’t trust the people who are paid to make sure you’re safe.
Alex @ Brain, Body, Because
/ August 7, 2012Thank you for sharing this, especially:
“The crippling fear of men who are stronger and bigger than me makes me hate myself, because I feel like a silent accomplice who allows these terrible things to happen to me by fulfilling the helpless woman stereotype. Or even worse, a meek Asian woman stereotype.”
As a tiny Asian woman, this really hit close to home. To be honest, this is one reason that I lift weights and run regularly. I’m obviously still smaller and weaker than many, but it does make me feel just a little bit safer.
Alex @ Brain, Body, Because
/ August 10, 2012Hi,
I thought of you when I read this article in the Nation. I’m curious to hear your opinion on it: http://www.thenation.com/blog/169208/upside-ugly#
This really resonated with me: “‘Beautiful’ is bullshit, a standard created to make women into good consumers, too busy wallowing in self-loathing to notice that we’re second class citizens.”
RK
/ August 10, 2012Hi Alex, thanks for bringing that article to my attention. I’d read about the foundation before…and couldn’t help but feel that they were tackling the issue in a wrong way. The premise of providing cosmetic surgery sends the message that it’s the individual who needs to be “fixed,” rather than the society that focuses way too much on unattainable ideals. I really like that quote you highlighted as well.
But I’m not sure if I agree with Valenti’s assertion about how being “ugly” makes people stronger. Sure, a little bit of isolation *can* lead us to toughen up, develop a sense of humour, etc, but I think all that would be possible only if we can find others who accept us as who we are and have a strong support network from our families, etc.