One of the articles that’s getting a lot of attention on the internet right now is Lisa Lee’s piece, “Seeking the Perfect Body,” in Hyphen magazine. In it, she describes her struggle with her body that led her to extreme actions like weight loss camp in Taiwan. It resonated with me on many levels, though my relationship with my body or food has not been as extreme or dramatic as Lee’s.

I don’t want to fall into the “things are so much better in North America than [other places]” mindset because I don’t think it’s simple as that. I fell into the trap of thinking this when I was facing a lot of body scrutiny in Korea – but I know it’s not as simple as that. The two places have different sets of expectations for how a body must look, and women suffer from unreal expectations everywhere.

Even though I’m attuned to the hypocrisy and the unreal expectation placed upon women’s bodies, I’m not immune to it. The first thing my mother said to me when she saw me at home this holiday season was: “you’ve lost a lot of weight!” with obvious pleasure in her voice, and I couldn’t help but feel proud too. Even though the weight loss happened as an aftermath rather than an intent (I had begun exercising regularly to bring my blood pressure down, as instructed by the doctor), I also couldn’t help but become obsessed with the scale once I started weighing myself again (yes, I broke my promise) at the gym. Why do I do this, even though I can logically explain these are just numbers?

I also like wearing dresses and skirts, and buying a lot of them. Of course, I can say that I dress for myself, and that is partly true. But we’re never completely “dressing for ourselves” (if that were the case, I would live in an extra large t-shirt and sweatpants everyday). I know that a high-waisted pencil skirt makes me look slightly taller (or at least minimizes my torso) and accentuates my curves. And I like to accentuate my curves because I like to be noticed for them. It feels hypocritical for me to admit this as someone who identifies first and foremostly as a feminist. But I do.

So where do we draw the line? So what if I like dressing to fulfill the “feminine” stereotype if that makes me feel more confident and ultimately helps me to achieve what I want in life? I don’t think it’s possible to have a “perfect” relationship with one’s body. But it’s feasible to strive for a better relationship with one’s body than before.

I say this, as someone contemplating introducing style elements to my blog – how my relationship to clothes have changed since I finished school, since I’ve started to like my body a lot better than when I saw it as too short and too round. I’ve been terrified of admitting this to the public because I thought it somehow went against everything I believed in. But I realize that living in this world means sometimes having seemingly contradictory desires, and exploring those contradictions (with possible hope for reconciling them in some fashion) is more productive than repressing them. So here is my announcement of a new “style” of this blog. Wish me luck.

[Image via weheartit.com]